According to you, we've split up... I was in doubt and i wanted to pop out the question, "Are we still a couple?". And on the other hand, i was in a dilemma. Because a relationship which involves two parties, yet i don't even know our status. What else can i say?
Yesterday, i was really feeling terrible and all i asked from you was to just let me hear your voice. Even for 1-2minutes, I'd have felt a whole lot better. You didn't answer my call, neither did you reply me. At night, i deliberately tweeted "Your voice would probably make me feel a whole lot better. Sigh.". Do you actually know the purpose of this tweet of mine? I was actually really hoping, wishing and waiting for your call. But you didn't call, neither did you show any concern. I felt, really disappointed and upset. But of course, since we've split, there's no reason why you should give in to my demands. As usual, silly me still hopes, wish and waited. For the past few weeks, i haven't been sleeping well. I either can't get to sleep or woke up in the middle of the night a couple of time because i was feeling troubled. And each time i woke up, the first thing i do is to check my phone for your miss call/texts. Not just at night, even during the days. I knew that there wasn't any calls or texts from you yet i checked my phone every 5 minutes hoping to see your name appear on my screen. I knew it yet i still expect the impossible. Just what is wrong with me? Tell me, what is wrong loving someone? What is wrong seeking attention from the person you love? What is wrong hoping that she will notice you? What is wrong... I miss you, i just miss you so much.
Saltpepper's a pet, a pet that mean alot to me. Do y'know why i kept asking you if you were jealous? Because i want you to be, i want you to be jealous. At least it makes me feel you still care, a lil. But instead you said no and even asked me not to misunderstood that you're angry, its just that you were tired and you wanted to sleep. I know what is it that you wanted to tell me that i will feel jealous about. On a particular day, Bella and one of your secondary school malay guy friend went to your house. I dont know what did the both of you do or whatsoever. I saw Bella's facebook. You needed someone and he was there. A few months ago or so, i saw a photo of you from her facebook and he commented, "my cutey". Ive no comments.
Like what Ive always said a billion times, i don't want to be seen needy or desperate even though i am, for your attention, love and everything else. I don't want to be a nuisance. I know i've said this over and over again and i know i didn't keep my words but still i'm going to say it. It's okay if you don't text me/call me. It's okay if you don't care about me anymore, it's okay if you don't love me anymore. It's okay even if i'm hurting, its okay. It's okay not to be okay. I'll still Love You, Love You Once, Love You still, always have, always will. You live here > ♥ < , right here in my heart. I'll keep all my feelings ive for you, all the love, care and concern inside my heart. Maybe someday, you will realise how much I Love You. Maybe someday, you will feel it, feel my heart's beating for you. And i'll stay right here, at the same spot for you to turn back and return to my side. I'm the man who can't be move, but also the fool who's waiting for someone who's never coming back. I dont know how, i dont know when you will come back. And when i say come back, i mean the real you, the one that love me wholeheartly, shower me with her care and concern, gave me all the attention in the world. How did something so beautiful turn into something so painful? I just lost my companion, my comfort, my best friend. I wish I could go back to the times when we were both contented, especially me. When I was just simply happy to be loved by you and have you by my side.
8.19.2011
8.17.2011
One Life, Live It
I don't like how my thoughts have a way of screwing my mind.
On a different note, I feel that I have so much more to learn in life and i'm excited and pumped up about it. But(yes, there's always a but) in order to learn, we need to take risks/chances. We need take that big leap in faith, believing that we're making the right decision. I struggle with that. I have the tendency to look back, only to find myself with regrets. In everything we do, there are pros and cons. Sometimes one outweighs the other and sometimes both balance out. At the end of the day, it boils down to what exactly I want. And then we ask ourselves, what in the world do we want but only to realise that we ourselves have no clue. Or perhaps wanting something would require us to sacrifice a bit of the other. Would that sacrifice be one worth making or just simply pointless. I really do not know. And that's what sucks, not knowing. But that's how life rolls.
I seem to be going in circles. My point really lies in whether we are willing to take up that challenge, to grab that chance and make the best of it. Whether or not the other choice would hve been a better one only depends on what we do with the choice we've already made. There will always be something for us to gain whether good or bad decision might have been. Don't waste it. One life, live it.
On a different note, I feel that I have so much more to learn in life and i'm excited and pumped up about it. But(yes, there's always a but) in order to learn, we need to take risks/chances. We need take that big leap in faith, believing that we're making the right decision. I struggle with that. I have the tendency to look back, only to find myself with regrets. In everything we do, there are pros and cons. Sometimes one outweighs the other and sometimes both balance out. At the end of the day, it boils down to what exactly I want. And then we ask ourselves, what in the world do we want but only to realise that we ourselves have no clue. Or perhaps wanting something would require us to sacrifice a bit of the other. Would that sacrifice be one worth making or just simply pointless. I really do not know. And that's what sucks, not knowing. But that's how life rolls.
I seem to be going in circles. My point really lies in whether we are willing to take up that challenge, to grab that chance and make the best of it. Whether or not the other choice would hve been a better one only depends on what we do with the choice we've already made. There will always be something for us to gain whether good or bad decision might have been. Don't waste it. One life, live it.
Strangers, again
It's scary just thinking about how people whom meant so much to you, may just become strangers again someday. How you won't be able to cuddle nor hug and say "I love you" to that person anymore. Nor have that person to always be there for you anymore. How you both would go back to the start of being Strangers, Again, starting your new paths, with none of the other in it anymore. It's sad just thinking about it, isn't it? Because maybe deep within me, I'm afraid. Afraid of losing the most important people in my life. I'm in love now, and I know that whoever's important in my life now, I don't want to lose any of them. Also, I need to stop reading too much between the lines. It's making me paranoid and insecure. It makes me doubt myself, and perpetually asking myself, what went wrong or what did i do wrong? I just want everything in my life to be how it is, at peace, like that picture perfect scene of serenity in the meadows. I don't want to be known to be some emo elmo that curls in his little corner, wallowing in his pool of self-pity and negativity.
Impulse
I feel like dropping my books, leaving my phone behind and travel everywhere, all alone. Everyone's too caught up in this world.... This world of technology. And I..... I... Need to find myself back. The soul inside me has been gone... Gone for way too far, too long. He needs to come back. Everything, every single thing that happened... For the past 240 days. They have forced me to grow up a lot, a lot. Flashbacks still make me tear, even till this very moment.
I will never forget.
But this burden on me has to go...
It's too heavy, I haven't been too happy.
I will never forget.
But this burden on me has to go...
It's too heavy, I haven't been too happy.
Stripped Down
The feeling of inferiority, of inadequacy, of solitude and desolation, how harmful they are to our hearts. I don't know what transpired my feelings of inferiority, or perhaps I do but I'd rather not confront the truth.
My posts have been so emotional and I loathe myself for being in this state. As much as I'm reluctant to succumb to moments of solitude because my mind becomes dysfunctional and goes crazy. On one hand it overwhelms me with so much emptiness, and on the other, my heart is met with tranquility and stillness I always yearned for. How extreme and unfathomable they are.
In this quietude, I ask myself - What do I want?
Now that I am on my own, I can pave a clearer path for myself.
In all seriousness, I want to do so fucking well in my studies. But is that what I truly want or simply what I need.
I want to grow. Not grow up, but to grow spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I want to be self-assured. And honestly, I feel that society would stagnate the growth I seek for, although I can't deny that it would strengthen me mentally.
I hope to be inspired and to inspire.
My posts have been so emotional and I loathe myself for being in this state. As much as I'm reluctant to succumb to moments of solitude because my mind becomes dysfunctional and goes crazy. On one hand it overwhelms me with so much emptiness, and on the other, my heart is met with tranquility and stillness I always yearned for. How extreme and unfathomable they are.
In this quietude, I ask myself - What do I want?
Now that I am on my own, I can pave a clearer path for myself.
In all seriousness, I want to do so fucking well in my studies. But is that what I truly want or simply what I need.
I want to grow. Not grow up, but to grow spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I want to be self-assured. And honestly, I feel that society would stagnate the growth I seek for, although I can't deny that it would strengthen me mentally.
I hope to be inspired and to inspire.
8.16.2011
I...
There's so much to say but nothing comes out of your mouth.
Do you know how that feels like?
You know, it hurts when someone has misunderstood their importance in your heart. But it hurts even more when there's nothing you can do or say to prove their worth in your heart cos your words have become so cheap ever since your actions, thoughts and words do not tally.
Not Knowing
"You know what I think we are afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether its all worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do, not knowing the purpose. It's like when you're little and you touch the stove and get burned because you didn't know that it was hot. Not knowing has hurt us from the beginning."
8.14.2011
Pensive Moments
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." - William Shakespeare
"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings." - William Shakespeare
Very often we let our fears and insecurities get the best of us. I came across a disturbing tumblr today. That person let her negativity devour her entirely; of extremely emotional posts to remind herself of how she'd never be good enough, how she'd never see the sunlight again. But she's one of the many people out there who suffer the same experiences. It made me reflect about how the roots of my emotional posts began. Truth is, I don't really remember how and when it started. I just got so caught up in it that it became a habit. Sure, i have my moments of insecurities, alot of it actually, but i never really knew how to pull myself out of that rabbit hole of negativity and fear. I let negativity get the best out of me. I refused to try for fear of failing and definitely it has been something I've been struggling with. When i do try, I'd fail, making what I've expected come true, well that's because I told myself that I'd fail before even truly trying. I don't really know what the point of this post is, but i really hope that whoever reads this, would know that whenever you're feeling down, negative, insecure, fearful, you're not alone, because there probably is another person many miles away feeling the same. As much as these seem like mere words; don't let these negativity get the best of you. It's hard not to, but wholeheartedly try to fight them, because you were the ones that let them in the first place. Only you can get rid of them. It's especially hard when you get so comfortable around negativity, but slowly, take your time, you'd eventually get out of that grueling maze. (:
"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings." - William Shakespeare
Very often we let our fears and insecurities get the best of us. I came across a disturbing tumblr today. That person let her negativity devour her entirely; of extremely emotional posts to remind herself of how she'd never be good enough, how she'd never see the sunlight again. But she's one of the many people out there who suffer the same experiences. It made me reflect about how the roots of my emotional posts began. Truth is, I don't really remember how and when it started. I just got so caught up in it that it became a habit. Sure, i have my moments of insecurities, alot of it actually, but i never really knew how to pull myself out of that rabbit hole of negativity and fear. I let negativity get the best out of me. I refused to try for fear of failing and definitely it has been something I've been struggling with. When i do try, I'd fail, making what I've expected come true, well that's because I told myself that I'd fail before even truly trying. I don't really know what the point of this post is, but i really hope that whoever reads this, would know that whenever you're feeling down, negative, insecure, fearful, you're not alone, because there probably is another person many miles away feeling the same. As much as these seem like mere words; don't let these negativity get the best of you. It's hard not to, but wholeheartedly try to fight them, because you were the ones that let them in the first place. Only you can get rid of them. It's especially hard when you get so comfortable around negativity, but slowly, take your time, you'd eventually get out of that grueling maze. (:
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